HOW TO SHAMPOO A CAT

Preparation:

  • Clear the area around the tub of all knickknacks in case any water or soap escapes over the rim
  • If you have access to a fully tiled bathroom, this would be preferable
  • If you have access to a bathroom with a floor drain, this would be preferable
  • Have treats on hand to reward him or her for being such a good kitty.
  • Place one of your favorite photographs of your cat beside the tub, so that you remember why you like him or her.
  • Place one of your cat’s favorite photographs of you beside the tub, so that they remember why they like you.

 

Shampooing:

  • Oh my god! Why am I doing this! What was I thinking? My arm! My ARM! My bloody arm! You stupid, awful cat. I hate you! I hate you so much! I should have left you in that barn where I found you. Why do I even have a cat? I just follow you around cleaning up your poop and then feeding you so I can clean up more poop. This is the worst idea I’ve ever had! OH MY GOD! MY ARMS!

 

Clean up:

  • You and your cat have both now taken up smoking.
  • You will not make eye contact for 3-6 days.

 

Repeat every six to nine months as you forget what a terrible idea this is.

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